Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 531 Location: manchester
Posted: Sat Oct 19, 2002 22:13 Post subject:
> A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if
> It was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she
asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 531 Location: manchester
Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2002 15:56 Post subject: joke
In this out of the way village there was a man called "onestone". This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him onestone any more. Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he made love all day, he made love all night, he made love all the next day, until she died from exhaustion. The word got around that onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you onestone."
Again, onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love all day, made love all night, made love all the next day, made love all the next night, but she wouldn't die!
Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 531 Location: manchester
Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2002 15:59 Post subject: joke
A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage of Stars in Their Eyes , and Matthew Kelly
introduces him as Simon.
MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6
months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
Much applause.
MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"
Simon: "Tonight Matthew I will be....
.
..
...
....
.....
.....Simon and half-uncle."
Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 531 Location: manchester
Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2002 9:32 Post subject:
> An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
> asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over
> and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the
> door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
> out!'"
NEWSFLASH michael barrymore has just been found dead he had traces of chocolate around his backside ....but police have arrested george michael for being careless with a whisper !
There was a young sparky from Brighton
Who said to a lass "your a tight one"
She replied "pon my soul"
You're in the wrong hole!
There's plenty of room in the right one!
There was a young girl of Tonga
Used to diddle herself with a conger
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels
She said "just like Marcsparks, only longer"
there was a girl called Ulrika,
her sex life could have been sweeter,
she was battered by stan,
sven wasn't a fan,
and she was raped by a man from blue peter
Elton John went to the tattoo shop and asked to2 have a tattoo of a motor vehicle on his nob.
The tattoo artist said "OK, what motor vehicle would you like"
Elton John Reply "A four by four because it got a lot of dirt too get through"
Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 531 Location: manchester
Posted: Wed Oct 30, 2002 13:06 Post subject: joke
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my *beep*."
Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 672 Location: Glasgow Scotland
Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2002 0:12 Post subject:
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
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