The Mitsubishi Pajero Owners Club®

[bill jones]

 > A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
> > off to his colleagues.
> >
> > As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close
> > to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
> >
> > More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls
> > the police.
> >
> > Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a
> chance
> > to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically: "My
> > Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at
> the
> > panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
> >
> > After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
> > head in disgust:
> >
> > "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.
> > "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
> anything
> > else in your life."
> >
> > "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the
> Londoner.
> >
> > The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn
> > off when the truck hit you."
> >
> > The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........
> >
> > "F?#KING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........
> >
> > "Where's my Rolex "

[Google]

[bill jones]

> > > Joe goes to the doctors about his headaches. The doctor says, "Good
news
> > > Joe,
> > > I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require
> > > castration.You have
> > > a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against
> the
> > > base of
> > > your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only
> way
> > > to relieve
> > > the pressure is to remove the testicles."
> > >
> > > Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything tolive
> for.
> > > He
> > > couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice
> > > but to
> > > go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a
headache
> > for
> > > the first
> > > time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
> > > himself.
> > >
> > > As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different
> > > person. He
> > > could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing
> > > store and
> > > thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
> > > He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
> > > elderly tailor
> > > eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
> > > "That's right,
> > > how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the
> suit.
> > > It fit perfectly.
> > > As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
> new
> > > shirt?"
> > > Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
> > > The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 1/2
> neck."
> > > Joe was
> > > surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60
> > > years!" Joe tried
> > > on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the
> > > mirror, the salesman asked,
> > > "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
> > > The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 10-1/2 E." Joe
was
> > > astonished,
> > > "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
> > > Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly.
> > > Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
> about
> > > some
> > > new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
> > > "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,"Let'
> > > see...size 38."
> > > Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years
> > > old."
> > > The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32! A 32 underwear
> > > would press
> > > your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one Hell
> of
> > a
> > > headache."

[bill jones]

Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time. So, my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. He could then sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells.

My uncle's favorite was Brewster Rooster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning, so Uncle John went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.

Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair, and he was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Prize, but also the PulletSurprise

[Ronald]

> * HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
>
> "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
> sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the
> chips and dip coming." - Alan, age 10
>
> "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry.
> God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're
> stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> * WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
> "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then."
> - Camille, age 10
>
> "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married."
-
> Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> * HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>
> "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the
> same kids." - Derrick, age 8
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> * WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>
> "Both don't want any more kids." - Lori, age 8
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> * WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>
> "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each
> other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -
> Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
>
> "On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets
> them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, age 10
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> * WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
>
> "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers
> and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." - Craig,
age
9
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> * WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>
> "When they're rich." - Pam, age 7
>
> "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
> that." - Curt, age 7
>
> "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them
> and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." - Howard, age 8
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> * IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
> "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going
> to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." -
Theodore,
> age 8
>
> "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone
to
> clean up after them." - Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> * HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>
> "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" -
Kelvin,
> age 8
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> And the #1 Favorite is........
>
> * HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
> "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
-
> Ricky, age 10
>

Ronald

[Scott]

JILL: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
JOHN: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
JILL: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
JOHN: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
JILL: "In the pool."

[bill jones]

> One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
> son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
> tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
> smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
> sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
> little voice: "The big sissy

[bill jones]

> A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes> a seat next to very attrac
tive woman. He gives her a
> quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a
> moment.
> The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
> late?"
> "No," he replies,"Q's just given me a state of the
> art watch and I was just testing it."
> The intrigued woman says,"A state of the art watch?
> What's so special about it?"
> Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk
> telepathically."
> The lady says,"Whats is it letting you know?" "Well
> it says you're not wearing knickers....."
> The woman giggles and replies,"Well it must be broken
> because I am wearing knickers!"
> Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "F-ing thing’s an
> hour fast."

[Scott]

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"Me."

[bill jones]

> It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
> sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
> wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor
leaned
> over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The
> little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes,
> and my Mom says it's a *beep* to iron."

[bill jones]

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the
coast
of England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North,to
avoid a collision
BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*ck off.

[bill jones]

It's a classic!

Before you read this you need to know that a Tickle Me Elmo
>is a cuddly toy that giggles when it's tickled. *****


> > > > > > > >A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
> > > > > > > >The personnel manager explains her duties and tells her to
report to
> > > > > > > >work promptly at 8:00 AM.
> > > > > > > >The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel
> > > > manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts
> > > > > > > >ranting about is new employee. He says she's incredibly slow,
and the
> whole line is backing up.
> > > > > > > >The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the
> > > > > > > >factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are
backed up
> > > > > > > >all over the place.
> > > > > > > >At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a
> > > > > > > >roll of the
> > > > > > > >material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.
> > > > > > > >They both watch
> > > > > > > >as she cuts a
> > > > > > > >little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and
starts
> > > > > > >sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
> > > > > > > >The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After
> >several
> > > > > > > >minutes,he pulls himself together, walks over to the
> > > > > > > >woman, and
> > > > > says,
> > > > > > > >.............
> > > > > > > >"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
> > > > > > > >job is to
> > > > > > > >give Elmo two test tickles!"
>

[bill jones]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and
kept the same tag-line............

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"

*beep* condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the
hardwork.

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30
minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot
reach

Carling condoms - probably the best condom in the world

Mars condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperoni comdoms - its a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!

[Ronald]

How can you tell if you have received a fax from a Blonde?
There's a stamp on it I

[bill jones]

> When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
> into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
> said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy
> has a baby growing in her tummy ." "I know," she replied, but what's
> growing in your butt?"

[Philco]

When I am in a sober mood
I worry, work and think
When I am in a drunken mood
I gamble, fight and drink
But when all my moods are over
And the world has come to pass
I hope they bury me upside down
So the world can kiss my ass