2Gether Insurance 01945 585322

The Mitsubishi Pajero Owners Club®
The Mitsubishi Pajero, Shogun, Montero, Challenger, Raider and EVO 4x4 Owner's Club
 
The POCUK - it's not just a Club, it's a way of life!

 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   Watched TopicsWatched Topics   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your personal messagesLog in to check your personal messages   Log inLog in 
Click here to link to the Pajero Owners Club UK FaceBook Group!POCUK FaceBook Group  POCUK home pagePOCUK Home  POCUK ForumsPOCUK Forums  CalendarCalendar

The Jokes & Fun Stuff thread part 1 ...

Goto page : Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 142, 143, 144, 145  Next
 
Post new topic   This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.    The Mitsubishi Pajero Owners Club® Forum Index -> Archive (non-technical)
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
wiggletiger
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 58
Zodiac: Aquarius
Joined: 14 Feb 2006
Posts: 6217
Location: Barnsley south yorkshire

PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 18:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Billion Put Into Perspective

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion pounds ago was only 12 hours and 10 minutes, at the rate these bunch of muppets in Whitehall spend it
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
Google
Sponsor







PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 18:52    Post subject: Google Ads keep the POCUK free to join!


Back to top
wiggletiger
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 58
Zodiac: Aquarius
Joined: 14 Feb 2006
Posts: 6217
Location: Barnsley south yorkshire

PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 19:36    Post subject: Reply with quote

The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots.

The sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...

"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'

"So here I am."
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
earthmover
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 102
Zodiac: Aquarius
Joined: 28 Mar 2005
Posts: 376
Location: Nr Huntingdon

PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 17:57    Post subject: Young Girls Reply with quote

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.  I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.  If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You sh*g her again.'
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
Richie
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 24
Zodiac: Capricorn
Joined: 10 Oct 2002
Posts: 9445
Location: Away

PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 10:38    Post subject: The pig & the bike Reply with quote

Subject: The pig & the bike

A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.


'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.

The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

'... You there Boss?'
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
earthmover
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 102
Zodiac: Aquarius
Joined: 28 Mar 2005
Posts: 376
Location: Nr Huntingdon

PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 14:41    Post subject: Men & Women differences Reply with quote

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
mimauk
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 74
Zodiac: Pisces
Joined: 29 Dec 2006
Posts: 1081
Location: Liverpool

PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 9:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.


The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"


"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."


The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.


"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"


"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
Sailor
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member




Joined: 27 Nov 2005
Posts: 283
Location: Bournemouth

PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 21:18    Post subject: Reply with quote

Condoms

With all this Olympic Games going on many companies are making money out of all sorts of marketing spin-offs including one company doing a range of condoms, Gold, Silver and Bronze.
I told my wife I was going to get some Gold Medal versions to match my performance.
She said " Get the Silver ones, it would be nice for you to come second for once!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message Visit poster's website
Sailor
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member




Joined: 27 Nov 2005
Posts: 283
Location: Bournemouth

PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 21:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nudist

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message Visit poster's website
oggie1
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 62
Zodiac: Libra
Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 153
Location: Birkenhead,Mersyside.(AGAIN)

PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mum screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mum leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mum has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'

Chris Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
wiggletiger
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 58
Zodiac: Aquarius
Joined: 14 Feb 2006
Posts: 6217
Location: Barnsley south yorkshire

PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 18:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out
for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large
thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to
take her order.
She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds,
then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two
black, and two decaf."
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
wiggletiger
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 58
Zodiac: Aquarius
Joined: 14 Feb 2006
Posts: 6217
Location: Barnsley south yorkshire

PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 20:53    Post subject: Reply with quote

A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyser test. The man blows a green light on the tester

"This thing must be broken," the cop says.

The man responds, "nope, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
DawnH
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 56
Zodiac: Leo
Joined: 08 Sep 2008
Posts: 6828
Location: newport, gwent

PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 5:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

a blonde pushes her bmw into a gas station. she tells the mechanic that it died.

after he works on it for a few minutes,it is idling smoothly.

she say's," what's the story?"
he replies "just cr*p in the carburetor."
she asks "how often do i have to do that?"...
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message MSN Messenger
mimauk
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 74
Zodiac: Pisces
Joined: 29 Dec 2006
Posts: 1081
Location: Liverpool

PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 20:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation
eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink,
the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I
went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other
people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice,
black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat
down and looked at me and said,

"Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
mimauk
LifeTime Member
LifeTime Member


Age: 74
Zodiac: Pisces
Joined: 29 Dec 2006
Posts: 1081
Location: Liverpool

PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 20:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

US banks' balance sheets:

"on the left side there is nothing right, on the right side there is nothing left"
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message
PoCUK
Site Admin
Site Admin


Age: 60
Zodiac: Pisces
Joined: 09 Oct 2002
Posts: 3749
Location: S/W New Forest Border

PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 14:42    Post subject: No sheep were harmed in the making of this game ... Reply with quote

OK ... I know - it's been posted before Embarassed

Sheep dash!
Back to top
View user's profile Send personal message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.    The Mitsubishi Pajero Owners Club® Forum Index -> Archive (non-technical) All times are GMT + 1 Hour
Goto page : Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 142, 143, 144, 145  Next
Page 143 of 145

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum


All contents © Hobson's Choice IT Solutions Ltd 1997 on
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group