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The Jokes & Fun Stuff thread part 2 ...

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PoCUK
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:33    Post subject: The Jokes & Fun Stuff thread part 2 ... Reply with quote

It's recently come to light that phpBB / mysql doesn't 'handle' massive threads particularly well so, to prevent further problems, ongoing threads (such as the Jokes thread) will be kept to a reasonable size Smile

The 'old' Jokes & Fun Stuff thread still exists, HERE <-- Click to view

This is the 'new' Jokes and fun-stuff thread, where I hope you'll continue to add your regular contributions Laughing

I'll kick this one off ...

There's this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He sits there, staring at his drink like that for over an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink from the bar, and knocks it back in one.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink... I just can't stand to see a grown man crying."

"No, it's not that" he replied, "Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, completely without warning, fired me. When I left the building, I got to the car-park only to find my car had been stolen. The police, they said that with no CCTV, there's nothing they can do. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my bloody poison ..."

Laughing


Last edited by PoCUK on Tue Feb 01, 2011 12:46; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:33    Post subject: Google Ads keep the POCUK free to join!


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nemesis
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's Amore.

But;

When you're hit by a jug, in a South Auckland pub, THAT'S a mao'ri.
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lindylou
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:47    Post subject: Brains Reply with quote

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mummy', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

    'Not yet,' she replied
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mimauk
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 12:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two blondes driving to Disneyland see a road sign - Disneyland Left - so they went home.  Laughing  Laughing
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Shevek
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 13:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three parrots are for sale.
They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says, "**** me a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says "**** me new prossies!" The girls laugh.
The husband come home and the parrot says "**** me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".
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buffalos neph
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 14:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shevek wrote:
Three parrots are for sale.
They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says, "**** me a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says "**** me new prossies!" The girls laugh.
The husband come home and the parrot says "**** me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".



Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing
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DawnH
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 16:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

that is brilliant!!! congrats  hilarious
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nemesis
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 9:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.

"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is................................... it's a horny bastarid."
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lindylou
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 13:55    Post subject: Parrot Reply with quote

Mary's dishwasher stopped working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the table, and I'll post you a cheque.'

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Mary's house the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied,'.......
..
..
Get him Spike!'
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Shevek
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 14:17    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.

"Hey Pepe", says the first man. "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"

Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe.

With his last breath, his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."
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earthmover
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 19:05    Post subject: Oh De Sandels Maan! All dee way from Jumaka Reply with quote

a wee joke to make you smile ...

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ' You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I have special  sandals I think ! you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the  man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,  something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently  over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and  grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, 'You got dem on de wrong feet!, you got  dem on de wrong feet!'.
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mimauk
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 13:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful  woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because  she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline  she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly  and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto  'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'Look - What the f**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.
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earthmover
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 13:18    Post subject: Airline Motto Reply with quote

I like it  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing and yes it's nearly right. I asked a stewardess on a Ryanair flight if she had ever sold vacuum cleaners? She gave me a quizzical look until I said ...

"Well all you do on here is walk up and down flogging Ryanair goods and Ryanair Lottery tickets"
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nemesis
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 13:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

Apparently these are real answers from Quiz programs.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

BEACON RADIO, (Wolverhampton)
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

GWR FM, (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

LINCOLNSHIRE FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world's largest continent?
A: The Pacific

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?
Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm...
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

FAMILY FORTUNES.
Presenter : Name a bird with a long neck?
Contestant : Naomi Campbell

Presenter : Name a dangerous race?
Contestant :The Arabs

Presenter : Name something that's red?
Contestant : My Nan's Cardigan
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fmiles
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 22:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cant outdo those jokes, so heres a game instead.
This is one of the most adictive games I have played!

http://rfshq.com/free-rider-2/Tracks/60811
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