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The Jokes & Fun Stuff thread part 2 ...

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tphj
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:51    Post subject: Dean of a Girls School Reply with quote

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:51    Post subject: Google Ads keep the POCUK free to join!


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earthmover
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 14:22    Post subject: Judge Judy Reply with quote

Judge Judy to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'????







Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced  Crying or Very sad  Crying or Very sad







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lindylou
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained.

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said,...... "No one showed up."
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wiggletiger
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 20:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

After twelve attempts, my wife finally passed her driving test.
I asked her what I could get for her as a celebration gift.

"Just something cheap to run around in," she said.










So I bought her a pair of trainers from Lidl.......
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pas240173
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 21:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride-broom, the other the groom- broom.

The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom-broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself -- this is going to hurt!!!!!!











'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
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earthmover
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 23:25    Post subject: Excuse Me Father Reply with quote

Two priests go to Hawaii on a holiday, and not wanting to be recognised as clergy they both bought a set of outrageous clothes, Shorts, Aloha shirts, sunglasses and sandals. Sitting on the beach they saw a stunning blond walking past with a body to die for. She looked at the Priests and said "Hello Father, Hello Father"
Well the priests were gob-smacked   and didn't know what to say, so they went to the shop and bought even more louder clothes, so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Sitting on the beach along came the stunning blond; "Hello Father, Hello Father"
Up jumped one of the priests and ran after the girl. "Hey, How do you know we're Priests seeing as we're dressed as we are?"  She Replied.............



Father it's me................Sister Kathleen
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Daddy Day Care
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 14:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

Subject: BANKS





Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
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nemesis
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 10:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

3 Irish fellas were sitting in the pub. They had all run out of money, but it was only 9pm.

'Watch this!' said Paddy as he walked to the bar. The barman asked what Paddy wanted to drink, to which the Irishman replied 'Ya foikin queer!'

The barman, who was a big son of a preacherman, immediately punched Paddy on the nose.

'What the foik was that for?' said Paddy as he got up from the floor.

'You called me a queer' said the barman. 'I didnt' said Paddy. 'I said 3 pints of beer.'
'Oh Christ' said the barman. 'Here's 3 pints on the house.'

Paddy returns to his friends and they laugh at how clever Paddy has been.

Presently, Feargal says 'Another pint fellas?' He gets up and walks to the bar.

'You foikin' queer' he says, and the barman hits him.  Feargal picks himself up and explains that he had actually asked for '3 pints of beer', and again the barman apologises and hands over the drinks free of charge.

After another half an hour, Mick says 'I guess its my turn?' and heads to the bar.

'Ya foickin' queer' he shouts at the barman. The barman duly punches Mick on the nose.
Mick gets up and yells 'What were that for?'

'You called me a focking queer!' said the barman.
'I didnt.' replies Mick, nursing his bloody nose. 'I asked for two Guinesses, a cider and a packet of pork scratchings'
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nemesis
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 19:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've always wondered what it would be like to star in my own zombie movie, so I went down to my local old peoples home, stole all the wheel chairs and walking aids, then set the fire alarm off and waited outside with a shovel and a cricket bat.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 19:09    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked  Shocked  Shocked











Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Wink
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nemesis
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 17:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.  
 
 

___________ _________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the  impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:        Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:       I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of  something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:    My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you poo'in me?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:     Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:  Guess.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people.   Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:      Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table
Wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:  Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

---   And the best for last:  ---  

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for  a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
Nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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wiggletiger
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here are just a few of the amazing advantages from owning a company car:

- It accelerates at a phenomenal rate;
- It has a much shorter braking distance than your private car;
- It takes speed bumps at twice the speed of private cars;
- The battery, radiator water, oil and tyres never have to be checked;
- It can always be driven to your destination, even with the oil warning light flashing;
- It doesn't need cleaning at all, unlike private cars;
- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material including trips to the rubbish tip;
- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio;
- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition; and
- It has special food and drink resistant seat material unlike a private car.
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earthmover
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 15:33    Post subject: Postman Pat’s last day at work Reply with quote

Postman Pat’s last day at work

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.          
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him with an 18-carat gold watch.    

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom, where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.  As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F*** him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea'
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 16:50    Post subject: A better understanding Reply with quote

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to
the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10
and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at £20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each, and
the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find
a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since
he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy
on behalf of him.

 In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the
city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."


The villagers rounded up
all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the Stock Market works.
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nemesis
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
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