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The Jokes & Fun Stuff thread part 2 ...

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lindylou
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 16:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windscreens of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with birds to test the strength of the windscreens.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windscreens of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windscreen and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo.
..
..
..
.
.
'Defrost the chicken.'
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 16:05    Post subject: Google Ads keep the POCUK free to join!


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nigelbilly
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 23:18    Post subject: Reply with quote

news just in from america ............
the sale of pillow cases and scisser,s up by 75%
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nigelbilly
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 23:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

NEW,S FLASH
all the women in the u.s are shaving there pussey,s in support for obama.
there message to the world is.
READ OUR LIP,S      NO MORE BUSH
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mimauk
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 23:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

Obama has made history - the first black man to walk into the White House without carrying a bucket and mop!!
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mimauk
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 23:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the pub tonight and the service was a bit slow - staff talking with themselves etc. - when one guy says -

It's a pity George Best didn't drink in here - he'd still be alive today!!!!!
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Richie
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 11:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

2008's First Christmas Joke  
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow AND asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......




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nemesis
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 13:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's my little daughter's birthday today but my wife's got the right hump with me.

Apparently "my stomach" wasn't an acceptable place to hide the birthday cake.
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earthmover
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 13:37    Post subject: Altered to fit in with the thinking of the modern Stasi! Reply with quote

This has been altered to fit in with the thinking of the modern Stasi Sorry meant police.

Two older people having a quite drink in a pub and the husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, (Being a twisted pervert as all policemen are) I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I should learn something on how to have sex, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.and I can tell the rest of the boys in blue(or pink which some police like to wear) So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises (which the copper thinks he can use against them for a breach of the peace) and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching (like the dirty old men that coppers are) and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'( the copper knows that he has them for using electricity without the owners consent)
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Richie
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:42    Post subject: To be sure Reply with quote

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name . Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

***********************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was; but useless in a fight.'

************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.'

**********************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go
quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

**************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
' She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '

**************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
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Richie
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:51    Post subject: When is OK to use the 'F' word dad ? Reply with quote

Well son, when any of these things happen to you is a good time

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nemesis
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:59    Post subject: Reply with quote

My grandad had the time of his life in the war;

He dressed up as a German and shot all the people he didn't like.
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silver top
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

Couple driving home and they run over a badger,they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold. He says "Put it between your legs to warm it up" She says "But it's all wet and  it stinks". He says "Well hold the badgers f***ing nose then!" Laughing  Laughing

16 year old johnny asks his dad what a f***y looks like. "Well" said the father knowingly. "It has 2 different looks.
"Before sex it looks like a beaufifal rose with delicate pink folds".
"What about after sex?"asks johnny. "Well said dad. "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?"

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John Twisted Evil
(LTM164)
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kylecollie
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing like them richie,now in the last one the man is confronted by a polar bear,now does anyone know the ancient eskimo trick for escape from a polar bear Question  Question  Question  Question  Question  Question  Question

answer is slowly reach down grab a handful of sh5te and throw it in the bears eyes and run,whats that i hear you say,what if there is no sh5te......................dont worry there will be plenty at yer feet Laughing
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mungodog
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 13:04    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved those, where did you find them?

I remember seeing that last one on TV a while back - he did eventually escape, though probably used the F word a good few times in the meantime. I believe he's now a shareholder in Andrex!!! Very Happy  Very Happy
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mungodog
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:42    Post subject: Church Bells Reply with quote

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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