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The Jokes & Fun Stuff thread part 2 ...

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carolrabbit
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Location: Dundee

PostPosted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 3:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony...

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help.

I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the manreplied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"















































































He replied: "It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 3:25    Post subject: Google Ads keep the POCUK free to join!


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carolrabbit
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 3:36    Post subject: Reply with quote

4 Different types of Labs










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Daisy
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 16:36    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two businessmen in town were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be  new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to
walk by, squash his face on the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
old  woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What  are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling *beep*-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing real well...
Only two left."

Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!
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snagz
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 20:11    Post subject: The three kick rule. Reply with quote

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Queensland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Queensland . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up, and he loses."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old !*!!*?*. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Jimbro
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 16:46    Post subject: interview Reply with quote

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .  A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.'  You put down, 'Neither do I'."
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Jimbro
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 16:48    Post subject: more jokes Reply with quote

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
 
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.
 
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No," shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
 
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
 
 
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
 
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 
Cop says, "For Gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"
 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
 
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
 
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 
"Here boy," he replies.
 
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
 
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
 
"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.
 
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
 
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
 
…………… ………….. ……………….
 
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always


fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:  "Yer eejyut, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
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Jimbro
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 17:53    Post subject: Best Aussie pick up line Reply with quote

An Aussie walks into a  pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman.  
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!
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Bill Turner
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Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 12
Location: Wirral

PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 16:49    Post subject: Digging the Garden Reply with quote

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie.........


Bill Turner
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Paul83c
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 12:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good.
I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.














The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
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Paul83c
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 12:26    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company,
and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"


Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
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kalmac
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Location: Norfolk depest darkest

PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 14:18    Post subject: a&e Reply with quote

The other day I needed to go to A &  E.  Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my  blue suit and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the  Internet onto the front of my jacket.


When I went into the A & E, I noticed that  3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they  decided that they weren't that sick after all.  Cut at  least 3 hours off my waiting time.













 
Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it  the next time you're in need of quicker emergency  service.




It  also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.

At  the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice  of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it  at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up  and left and l never got my order...
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mimauk
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 18:26    Post subject: Reply with quote

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who, like most Scotsmen, was very interested in making a few bob where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


"Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more!"
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tazbabe
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

A farmhand is driving the line in his 4x4 pick-up, checking fences, when he hits a pig. He doesn't know what to do, so he phones his boss up on the mobile and says"Boss I've just hit a pig and it is stuck in the bull bars on the front of the pick-up - what should i do?"

The farmer thinks a bit and then says"Is it still alive?" "Yeah." "In that case, there is a rifle in the back of the pick-up. Take it out, put it between its eyes and shoot. When it collapses, you should be able to pull it free of the bars." Five minutes later, the farmhand is back on the phone, "Well, says the farmer did you shoot it?"
"Yeah." "So what's the problem now?" "I did like you said", says the farmhand "I shot it and pulled it free, but i still can't get going."
"Why not?"

"Because his motorbike is still stuck under the truck and the blue light is jammed in the wheel arch."
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mimauk
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 7:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bug ger all, it's keeping your  mouth shut that does the trick?"
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kalmac
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 19:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

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