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Hints and Tips for life


 
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Richie
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 10:35    Post subject: Hints and Tips for life Reply with quote

Hints & Tips To Get You Through Life!!

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone..

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the flipping thing in the first place..
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, before jumping in.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 10:35    Post subject: Google Ads keep the POCUK free to join!


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DawnH
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 4:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing
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Onan The Barbarian
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 5:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

Have you been reading Viz, Richie? Confused  Laughing  Laughing
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Captain England
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Age: 69
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Joined: 06 Apr 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing
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Walt
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Location: Australia

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing  Laughing

and this one really makes sense: Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.   Laughing  Laughing
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Padjy
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Joined: 14 Jan 2006
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Location: Aberdeen

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 12:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

Walt wrote:
Laughing  Laughing

and this one really makes sense: Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.   Laughing  Laughing


ive just resyncronised my poo cycle to work times again! why should i have to poo in my own time? ive got things to do........at work i waste more time trying to find something to do!  Laughing
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kylecollie
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 18:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

Walt wrote:
Laughing  Laughing

and this one really makes sense: Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.   Laughing  Laughing




Confused  eeeeh still using the old newspaper...who remembers ink stained underwear  Laughing
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REVOGEL
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Age: 84
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Location: Cent. Amelias. Reg 10. Guyana South America

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 22:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

The most important one is DONT get involved with women they ALL eventually make your life a mysery.
If anything gets my wife out of my life I will stick to my old rule. Find em F""k em and forget em.
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mked
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Age: 81
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 2:35    Post subject: Re Rivogel Reply with quote

How sad.  I've been so lucky - my wife has been my best friend for 47 years.  Loads of problems over the years but still couldn't face life without her.
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ChrisTheCarNut
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Joined: 22 May 2008
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Location: East Yorkshire

PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 11:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing  Laughing Was crying laughing at some of those.
Definitely Viz or Viz-inspired.
I like the alarm clock/mouse one  Laughing
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kalmac
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Joined: 26 Feb 2009
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Location: Norfolk depest darkest

PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

tthanks for that richie... cheared me up


coppied it though Rolling Eyes
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Whatithas
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Age: 24
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Joined: 05 Jul 2020
Posts: 18
Location: Reno

PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2022 15:55    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do you often feel drained by the middle of the day? Have you ever become exhausted performing routine tasks like grocery shopping or housework? Adults are advised to engage in at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity each week by the Department of Health and Human Services. Contrary to popular belief, this will increase your energy balance rather than decrease it.
Check the site
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