Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 14:07 Post subject: vasectomy
A Black country Vasectomy:
After having their 11th child, a Tipton couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his local vet and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor," is to go home, get a Big Banger, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Tipton bloke said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a Big banger in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a Big banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At! Which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Wolverhampton,Walsall, Willenhall and Bilston. And some parts of Stafford.
Age: 102 Zodiac: Joined: 28 Mar 2005 Posts: 376 Location: Nr Huntingdon
Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 17:17 Post subject: The political situation
A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is
that Gordon Brown on the television again?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.
It`d probably work well down this neck of the woods aswell, might have a problem in Bridgewater as they`ve got 6 fingers !!!!
Hi Kookie
Really not sure what you mean but i'm starting to worry now, i'm from the black country and i was born with 6 fingers and 6 toes, passed it onto my kids too all sorted now though
But if i still had them, i've been told i would have made a good pianist
Age: 102 Zodiac: Joined: 28 Mar 2005 Posts: 376 Location: Nr Huntingdon
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:00 Post subject: Mafia
Mafia Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
To rephrase that?
____________ __________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
Nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
Practicing law.
Age: 102 Zodiac: Joined: 28 Mar 2005 Posts: 376 Location: Nr Huntingdon
Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:44 Post subject: Voodoo Peni*s
Very old joke re-hashed
THE VOODOO PENIS
A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what'?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dil-do.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dil-do!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much tha t a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot
to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me...'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!'
The rest, as they say, is history....
(I had a very similar experience with my first wife when I went down to the Falklands. but the Genie was called "My best mate")
Earthmover was you on the falklands in 83-84? I worked for OTR tyres down there ! Mending and changing all those volvo tyres Bit muddy wasnt it??
Rick.
Age: 102 Zodiac: Joined: 28 Mar 2005 Posts: 376 Location: Nr Huntingdon
Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:50 Post subject:
Hiya Mate yes I was there and the pic was taken early December '84 but before I had a scanner I took a pic of the pic with my new Christmas pressy which was a digi camera. but didn't switch off the date stamp. I don't drive the rubber tyred "Donkey Carts" no skill needed.
Hiya Mate yes I was there and the pic was taken early December '84 but before I had a scanner I took a pic of the pic with my new Christmas pressy which was a digi camera. but didn't switch off the date stamp. I don't drive the rubber tyred "Donkey Carts" no skill needed.
Know what you mean about the "donkey carts" was some great characters down there! had some good laughs.
Rick.
Hiya Mate yes I was there and the pic was taken early December '84 but before I had a scanner I took a pic of the pic with my new Christmas pressy which was a digi camera. but didn't switch off the date stamp. I don't drive the rubber tyred "Donkey Carts" no skill needed.
Know what you mean about the "donkey carts" was some great characters down there! had some good laughs.
Rick.
Would any of the "Characters" Include the chambermaids known as "Kelvins Kittens" who I believe made a considerable amount of money working "Overtime" I worked for Wimpey (We Import More Paddys Every Year) and had a visit to our camp from one of these "Beautiful women" who was nicknamed The D9. (I'm not saying she was large,she was only 5ft tall, but she used to stand nr the ice rink so the sun never shone on it) One of Wimpey's lads thought he would try his luck, and boy she was willing,(she said she had a good memory but it didn't go that far back,) but after three hours, yes three hours he had to give up he said he couldn't reach where the sun didn't shine. lol
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