Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 531 Location: manchester
Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2002 12:38 Post subject: The Jokes & Fun Stuff thread part 1 ...
Just to start us off again
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said:
"Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?" "No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see ?"
"Yes," he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the flipping darts team hadn't!"
Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 672 Location: Glasgow Scotland
Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2002 16:48 Post subject:
Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.
The first fellow says "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The second fellow says "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The third fellow says "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well" says the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area!"
Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 297 Location: Alton, Hampshire
Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2002 23:06 Post subject: A Man goes to the Doctor
A man goes to the doctors to get help with his sexual performance.
Doctor, said the man. My wife is very young and I am getting on in years and I cant give her an orgasm
Well said the doctor. The next time you make love, get a young naked stud to stand over both of you waving a towel.
The man goes home and trys it, young naked stud standing above them waving a towel as he copulates with her giving it all he has, but still his young wife has no orgasm!
So he goes back to the doctor.
No joy said the man.
I see. Said the doctor. Well I think you should swap around and let the young stud make love to your wife and you wave the towel.
The man returns home and gets down to business. The young stud is going like the clappers and the older man is frantically waving the towel. Very soon his young wife is having multiple orgasms and lays completely satisfied on the bed moaning in ecstasy.
The man calls the young stud to one side and says see young man, thats how you wave a bloody towel.
Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 531 Location: manchester
Posted: Fri Oct 11, 2002 9:11 Post subject:
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her Ģ200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for Ģ200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar, but this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne."So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne." "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo street" he says." "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know" he says "your father gave me Ģ1,000 to give you!"
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then nswers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young
man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man
answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every
morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds
like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
There once was a polar bear cub who was being taken out to
hunt for food by his father. They spent all day searching
for food. The father-bear eventually caught a seal which
they shared. After a long trek home the baby-bear asked his
father : "Daddy, am I a polar bear?". Father-bear replied
"Of course you are son. I'm a polar bear, your mother's a
polar bear, you're a polar bear". No more was said that
night.
The next day the baby-bear was taken out hunting again. This
time father-bear caught a huge fish. Again, after a long
trek home the baby-bear asked his father : "Daddy, am I a
polar bear?". Father-bear replied "Of course you are son. My
parents were polar bears, your mother's parents were polar
bears, I'm a polar bear, your mother's a polar bear. Of
course you're a polar bear". No more was said that night.
The next day they went hunting again. This time father-bear
caught a large bird. Again, after a long trek home the
baby-bear asked his father : "Daddy, am I a polar bear?".
Father-bear replied "Look son, what's all this nonsense?
I've explained all this, why on earth do you think you may
not be a polar bear?". The baby-bear said "Because I'm
f*cking freezing!"
Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 531 Location: manchester
Posted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 22:56 Post subject: daft joke
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is
the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the
bottle opener."
"I didn"t bring it" says Roy. "I thought you packed it".
Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn"t bring it. So they"re stuck ten miles from home
without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he
refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches while he's gone.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that
they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down
the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn"t back and Mick and Andy are starving,
but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and
just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and
shouts, "SEE! I KNEW IT! I'M NOT GOING!"
Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 672 Location: Glasgow Scotland
Posted: Mon Oct 14, 2002 2:38 Post subject:
Rabbit hops into the butchers, he asks the butcher, "got a lettuce mate?"
the butcher replies, "no i'm a butcher i dont do veg try the fruit an veg shop" Of hops the bunny, next day in hops the bunny to the bucthers shop "got a lettuce mate?" to which the butcher replies "no i'm a butcher i dont do veg try the fruit an veg shop" and so of hops the bunny. Next day in hops the bunny again "got a lettuce mate?" the butcher is annoyed by this point "look you pesky little bunny I have told you before, i do not sell lettuce, the next time you come in here asking for lettuce i'm going to nail you to the floor" of hops the bunny. next day in hops the bunny "got any nails mate?"
butcher looking puzzled "No" Bunny "then give me a F*****g lettuce!"
> A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker
> catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
> hooker, "How much ?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
> Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is
> worth that kind of money!"
> The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
> "Yes."
> "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
> "Yes."
> "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
> "Yes."
> "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
> And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth
> $500."
> Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
> They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
> is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
> hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so
> amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
> The hooker replies, "$1,500."
> "$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that".
> The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
> Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that
> casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
> that's worth every cent of $1,500."
> The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
> says, "Sign me up."
> Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He
> can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
> He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
> glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
> "How much for some pussy?"
> The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole
> city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights,
> gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
> "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
> "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
THERE ARE 3 WOMEN ON A ISLAND,WITH A BIG BANG A GEINIE APPEARS,
HES SAYS " I WILL GRANT YOU 3 WISHES"
THE FIRST LADY SAYS"MAKE ME CLEVER SO I CAN GET OFF THIS ISLAND",THE GEINIE GRANTS THE WISH.THE LADY MAKES A RAFT AND GETS OFF THE ISLAND.
THE SECOND LADY SAYS"MAKE ME MORE SMARTER THAN THE FIRIST LADY SO I CAN GET OFF THE ISLAND".THE GEINIE GRANTS THE WISH,AND THE LADY MAKES A BOAT AND GETS OFF THE ISLAND.
THE THIRD LADY SAYS"MAKE ME MORE CLEVER THEN THE FIRIST TWO,SO I CAN GET OFF THIS ISLAND".THE GEINIE TURNS THE LADY INTO A MAN AND SHE USE'S THE BRIDGE.
> small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
> "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You
> had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"
> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask
> again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......
> "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a
> drink of water?"
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